This is one of a series of blogs in which I respond to some of the questions asked by Brian McLaren in his book Faith After Doubt. The book spoke to me deeply since I am living through a dark night. Heads up: my answers are personal and unfiltered. They may make you mad or disappointed with me. If you are not up for it, press delete. Here goes.

Chapter 2, questions 4 and 5

4. In the stages of grief (which I have read are not always sequential or fixed), I am still quite angry. I want to see all the churches fall into rubble, just to show them they can’t keep supporting the status quo and survive. Money needs not to be the foundation of faith groups. Love has to be the foundation. I am depressed because I don’t see my vision coming true. Inertia is so strong. I am not in the bargaining stage, I don’t think, because I don’t believe the church is bargainable in its monolithic inertia, and I don’t need to bargain with God because she is way above that and loves me anyway.

5. To me, doubt feels like seeing the wizard behind the curtain when Toto pulls it back.

Like reading your dad’s old letters and finding out he never loved your mom.

Like having no one show up for your party.

Like finding out you invested in a fake corporation.

Like Jesus removing his mask to reveal the devil underneath.

Like building a house on the beach and a wave washing it away.

Photo by Suzy Hazelwood on

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