Chapter 9, question 2

Life is messy: As I said, my life doesn’t fit the 4 stages neatly since I was a doubter at the start, not a believer. In Stage 2, I still was a doubter, but I was giving faith a chance for the sake of my kids and because of all the other people in the world who seemed to know something I didn’t. I went through the motions and enjoyed the feeling of being “in the club.” Now I understood words and references I had not known before; I was let in on the secrets of the church, and a lot of poetry and other lit opened up to me. Not until I started CP did I have many supernatural experiences, making me think that God might be real. When I heard from this God (in journals, for ex.) she always wanted me to stop worrying and trying so hard. All those songs, and books and signs were not necessary to her. She couldn’t be bought with that stuff. She already cared and approved. She wanted me to be me, nobody else. But the church talked out of a different mouth. I needed to obey, to serve, to give, and to evangelize. God never said those things. Only the church did, using their magic marketing manual, the Bible. So here I am, a lifelong doubter, back in my old groove, angry that the church duped me for so long, but still in love with beauty and nature, pretty sure God loves me, if she exists. It’s messy and imperfect.

Photo by Klaus Nielsen on

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